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Forgiveness as a Process for Spiritual Growth

Writer's picture: scienceridgechurchscienceridgechurch

I wrote the core of this article many years ago as a summary paper for a class about forgiveness and spiritual growth. I found it again when preparing for our sermon about forgiveness in the Lord’s Prayer.

This is a paper that speaks to a practical process for having a life practice of forgiveness. It assumes that you have a foundational knowledge of the teachings of the Bible and a relationship with Jesus.  


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Forgiveness is a foundational teaching of Jesus. It is part of the Lord’s prayer found in Matthew 6 and Luke 11, and it encompasses Jesus’s teaching in 3 different sections in Matthew 18. Jesus even tells us that we should forgive others as many times as necessary (Matthew 18:21-22). Even with this Biblical declaration, forgiving others is something Christians are reluctant to do or might not fully understand how to begin. Often “forgiving” someone is done with obligation and resentment, if it is done at all. Part of the struggle and failure to practice forgiveness well comes from the lack of a discipline of forgiveness as part of our regular life rhythm. Christians pray regularly, and read the Bible, but forgiveness is left for only the times when it is really “needed.” However, true spiritual development requires that forgiveness be an ongoing practice in the life of a Jesus follower. To understand the necessity of forgiveness, we shall walk through some of the early stages of forgiveness and observe how they are each essential to our overall spiritual formation. To go much deeper would require more space than this paper allows for.

To begin, we should spend a moment defining what forgiveness is. The word “to forgive” has images of release. In the Old Testament it is tied to images of the Exodus and even the Year of Jubilee. During the Year of Jubilee, taught in Leviticus 25, slaves are released, debts are forgiven, and land is returned. When Jesus teaches us to pray for forgiveness in the Lords Prayer (Matthew 6:9-15) the Greek word used has strong connections to finances, and debts being repaid. When we forgive someone we are releasing them from their debt to us.

When we are wronged, the common expression is to feel like they “owe” us something. They have taken something from us and we need to be repaid in some way, perhaps by feeling a pain similar to us, needing to rebuild trust, or make it up to us in some way. Forgiveness is the process of releasing people from the debt they owe us: releasing people from needing to “make it up to us,” or for us to “repay them in-kind.”  (The process of God forgiving us is similar, but caries some extra layers. This article will just focus on forgiving between people and its role in deeper spiritual growth.)

Before healing can happen and forgiveness can begin we must admit to ourselves that we are in pain; admit that a wrong has been done. Too often we hide our discomfort or hurt for various reasons, then it slowly eats away at us from the inside. We allow ourselves to feel slighted or taken advantage of but never address those emotions. Sometimes when we are hurt it is our pride or ego that is wounded; someone made us feel inferior, belittled us, or didn’t give us the respect we feel like we deserve. Other times our relationship or personhood is hurt. We are betrayed by a friend or someone close to us. In the worst situations we may be physically damaged. Sometimes the temptation is to push those feelings under the rug; keep the memory of the wrong in the back of our mind, perhaps nursing a grudge or resentment, but otherwise try to move on. When we admit the pain or loss it helps us to become aware of our emotions and how we might be being controlled by them.

Awareness of emotions is an important part of spiritual growth, and whether you have been wronged, or you feel that you have done wrong yourself, admitting the hurt helps us to notice our emotions. Peter Scazzero notes, “Forgiveness is not a quick process. I do not believe it is possible to truly forgive another person from the heart until we allow ourselves to feel the pain of what was lost.”[1] Often what is lost is trust, sometimes safety, maybe it is our sense of self, our image, that was damaged. Whatever it might be, the first step in forgiveness is recognizing that we were hurt, and in the process of being wounded there was a loss of some kind. After the pain is acknowledged we can begin the grieving process.

Grief is an important part of the forgiveness process. In grief we learn to express our sorrow and reflect on what was lost. “The process of forgiveness always involves grieving before letting go.”[2] It is only through proper grieving that we can learn to let go of whatever dreams, events, relationships, or self-perceptions that might now be changed forever.

Grief is the process of recognizing and releasing. Through the grief process we learn to die to ourselves, that is, to release a part of ourselves and our desire to shape the past or the future. We learn to die to the parts of ourselves that want certain things to have happened, but now cannot.

For example, a friend says they have tickets and will take you to a concert. Then the friend ends up taking someone else. The first step is to recognize and name the hurt. They betrayed you. You grieve the broken promise, the broken trust, and the experience that you were hoping for. In the grief it will be necessary to let go; to release the past that didn’t happen as hoped, and release the dreams of the future concert that you are missing. And depending on the level of hurt, you may need to release the desire to “get back at” the friend, or make them feel pain in return for the pain they caused you. This is a cruciform and self-sacrificial approach, and important to our spiritual development. For some transgressions this may be a short process, for other types of wrongs it may be lifelong process of grief and release.

A key part of moving on to the next step of forgiveness is giving the pain and loss to Jesus. Through the wrong done to us and the process of moving on there is a death that happens. On the cross Jesus was able to absorb the pain and suffering of the sins of the world. Then, through the validation of God, he was resurrected. Only God holds the power to bring life from death. We can only hold on to pain and death for so long. If we absorb and hold enough pain we will slowly have our life drained away, (depression, resentment, bitterness, sickness, etc.). At some point we must hand the pain over to God and let Jesus carry the pain for us. We must pass on the things that are causing death or a diminished life within us to Jesus, the author and giver of life.

This does not mean that the pain will completely disappear. It means we will not bear it alone. Jesus gives us strength we do not have to take on the pain through the indwelling of his spirit. In the most extreme and literal cases, there are many stories from the martyrs who were put through literal pain and torture. Many said that Jesus helped them bear the suffering. This means that, especially in the times when we are most offended or hurt, we recognize the damage that this pain has caused and our inability to find new life through this event. We give the pain over to Jesus, and through God’s grace we can hope to receive a path toward resurrection and new life.

A dramatic example of where this kind of giving over the pain to Jesus can be seen is in some of the shootings involving different churches. In one example a truck driver shot a room full of Amish school children before taking his own life. The Amish are a people that regularly practice surrender to God. Most do not carry insurance or other “safety nets.” They rely on the community and God to care for their needs when something unexpectant happens. While the death of their children grieved them deeply, they had practice in letting go of the uncontrollable parts of life. They could give the hurt and pain to Jesus and trust that God would guide them through this dark chapter in life. Therefore they practiced releasing the desire to strike back or hold a grudge for a wrong that could not be changed. That is forgiveness.

After we have acknowledged the pain, noted or grieved whatever was lost or unexpected, and surrendered that part of our life to Jesus we are ready to forgive someone. We do not need to be around someone when we forgive them. The offender may be dead or across the country. The true act of forgiveness is an internal heart change. It is the process of letting go, of finding peace in what cannot be changed, acceptance for whatever future might be coming as a result, and the knowledge that God will walk with us along the way. Forgiveness does not absolve someone from their responsibility in any harmful action. The other person may have to face the consequences of their broken trust, betrayal, or even illegal actions. But forgiveness takes us out of the judgement seat where we desire to make others pay us back for the wrong done to us. We “give them over to God” or the justice system or their own self destructive consequences depending on the situation.

It is important to know that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. We can forgive someone and not reconcile with them. Forgiveness is something that is internal to us. We release them. Reconciliation involves something from the other person. Maybe as simple as an apology and clarification over miscommunication, maybe something more complex like a change in destructive behavior.

In Matthew 18 Jesus teaches about reconciliation and forgiveness. Starting in verse 15 Jesus teaches a model for reconciling with others. It first involves confronting someone one on one, then with a friend, and then with help from the community. Jesus says if the relationship cannot be repaired then don’t go near them. But right after this teaching Peter asks Jesus about how often he should forgive someone. Jesus answers with “not seven times, but seventy times seven” with the implication being that no matter how often someone sins against you we are to forgive them. For this reason, if you cannot make amends, the wisdom of this teaching would say to remove yourself from situations where you will be harmed further.    

 

How does forgiveness help us to grow?

A key part of the process of forgiveness as it relates to spiritual growth is that giving our pain over to God makes us more aware and reliant on God. We recognize our human limitations in the situation and desire to submit to God’s work in our life. There are some ways that we can repair things on our own. Modern medicine and therapy have contributed insight into thought patterns and healthy inner dialogue and reflection. However, we are limited in what we can do as an individual, and therapists cannot be with us everywhere we go. That is the gift of God’s presence with us and our need to train ourselves to be open to God’s work in our hearts and minds. If we were cut off in traffic and feel a quick burst of emotional outrage we might be able to move past it quickly on our own, but if we consciously let God into our hearts and minds then we might be shown hidden emotions or thoughts that were suppressed in the instant. In that moment God might move us to say a particular prayer that might have some great unknown significance for the person in a hurry or our own desire for control and safety. Without God we put the offense out of mind and try to move on with our own agenda. We moved past the outrage, but we might be missing out on something deeper within us that triggered the outrage in the first place. Was it fear at being hurt in an accident, or delayed by a crash? Anger at not being in control? A hurt ego at someone disrespecting us? Anger at someone not being courteous? Allowing God to be a part of any pain we experience helps to deepen our spiritual journey, grow in emotional awareness, and bring God into more of our life in general.

Perhaps the greatest asset in practicing forgiveness regularly is the constant reminder that we are not in control. In our world we quickly encounter an obstacle, then adjust our plans so we can still get what we want. Practicing regular forgiveness, whether at each moment of offense, or in regular times of reflection, helps us to realize how much we are not in control and how often our plans or desires need to be adjusted as we go through life. We learn to appreciate God’s work in our lives to see our projects completed or our relationships mended in unexpected ways. As noted above, we can practice dying to ourselves, letting God work in life giving ways.

Practicing regular forgiveness also helps us become aware of any bitterness that has built up over time. As we think about who has wronged us, or where we might have “roots of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15) we might notice that certain people or situations bother us more than we realized, or in ways that we had not acknowledged. Regularly practicing forgiveness allows us to address these spaces so they do not eat away at us or our relationships. It is another opportunity to allow God to minister to our hearts as we lay before God with repentant and open hearts desiring for a healing touch, and to see God’s goodness present where we may be unable to.   

In short, by practicing forgiveness regularly we are given the opportunity to confront the pain in our lives. We walk with God and allow certain parts of ourselves to die, knowing with hope that in God’s goodness there will be new life. We allow God to share in our pain. We lament our suffering and cry out for help, or if more minor, we share with God our hurt and invite God into the pain with us. While it will still hurt, we do not carry it alone. Surrender to God gives us space to reflect on ourselves, our emotions, motivations, dreams, relationships, and other aspects of our self that might need to change because of the offense. In the process of forgiveness we can come to have a greater trust in God, and a transformed heart as God sees us through the trial.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bibliography

 

Scazzero, Peter. The Emotionally Healthy Church. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2010.


[1] Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Church. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2010.) 164.

[2] Peter Scazzero. The Emotionally Healthy Church. 165.

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